This is my very first post, I have never done anything like this before but I think as a nation we can share our strengths and struggles with each other to help us overcome obstacles that arise in our life. This blog is about anxiety and depression and a little insight into the thoughts and feelings a person can go through from day to day, week by week, month after month, for many years.
As I walk through each day in this crazy world we live in I fight thoughts in my own mind,I have feelings of anxiety and negative thoughts just like anyone else does but I can’t just brush them off like others do (don’t no why) I do try to just forget about them and just go about my daily routines but I still struggle. I like to push myself to my limits, low self esteem has tortured me throughout life and ruined my confidence in doing things I wanted to do.
You see I worry about how people “see me” how they “look” at me and what they “think about me”, I worry about how I come across to them do I look horrible ? Do I look dirty ? Do I smell funny ? Do I look fat in these jeans ? Is my skin bleeding from the anxious scratching ? Can they tell I’ve been crying ? Do I look tired from being up all hours ? These are just a few thoughts I deal with daily I mean don’t get me wrong I can fight these thoughts sometimes but most of the time they get me down and stop me from achieving my goals as someone who suffers with a skin disorder I get a lot of social anxiety and feel embarrassed of the way I look. I become withdrawn and isolate myself away from others until I feel like my skin has settled or looks better, I do have good days where I will get my phone out and take a selfie just like anyone else does but my selfies turn into 100 pictures and deciding which one looks the best to me (perfectionism) I see every flaw I have before anyone else (trust me whatever you think about me I have already tortured myself for it) I look deep into every thought if it doesn’t look nice to me how can it possibly look nice to anyone else ? This is just a selfie, I mean social embarrassment seems like nothing to some people they just get on with it and I’ve heard people say it’s all in your mind stop over thinking things but as its one of my worst fears I simply can’t just stop these thoughts. (It is Easier said than done).
“Feeling like this affects friendships, relationships, social interactions, work life, and home life”.
Im just going to start by telling you what I have realised about the energy around me when I go into a crowded place like a shopping mall or a restaurant I feel so many different energies around me, wether it be the rush of the waitresses trying to take everyone’s order or the chefs that are shouting in the kitchen or the old lady that’s standing by the steps surrounded by people rushing around, a child that is running away from her mummy, a security guard following someone who looks suspicious to him, people arguing and shoving each other, people just stood there staring into space… I think you get the drift by now. Well someone who doesn’t suffer from social anxiety probably wouldn’t even noticed half of these things going on around them but someone like me I soak everything in I take on these energies wether it’s positive or negative I feel them deep within my soul, I feel in a panick and on edge.
The same time I want to sort their problems out for them that’s how much I think about others before me, before long I forget what I have come out for because all this energy takes up my attention and drains the life and soul out of me so I end up buying things I don’t even need and not before long I end up feeling wound up and exhausted. Then I just leave without hesitation I will get back in my car and wind down before I set off home.
This is what anxiety does. This is what depression does.